Thursday, February 3, 2011

How "Chuck" and Marriage are Less Fantastic and More Realistic Than You Think

Monday night House wasn't on so I actually watched Chuck as it aired instead of watching it several days later on Hulu.  This was a pretty good one to watch on tv.  It had a fantastic rap cover, a baby, good music (I have yet to figure out if the bad ass song I thought might be by Daft Punk is the Grand Vanity track or the Rad Omen track the internet tells me was in the episode), and a proposal.  We could talk at great length about my love of any of those things, but let's focus on the proposal. 

Chuck's been proposing to Sarah, or trying to, pretty much all season.  They made a big deal out of him planning the perfect proposal.  Now any good tv watcher could figure out that after all that hype it would end up happening either in a moment of crisis or in a moment that was perfect for all the emotional reasons, not all the geographic ones.  But they had most of us fooled into thinking it was going to happen on the French balcony.  And it didn't.  Instead it happened in a hospital hallway, quietly, personally, and with the sound of a floor buffer working on the linoleum only a few feet away.  It was possibly the most normal moment of Sarah and Chuck's relationship.  It was probably the most realistic moment of the whole show.  And you know what?  I loved it. 

Marriage isn't the indivisible unit you used to think your parents were.  It's also not the jumping dolphins and sailing off into the sunset at the end of The Little Mermaid.  The more I learn about adult life the more I'm convinced marriage is actually the least magical stage of a relationship and the most practical and difficult.  The beginning is sort of magical.  It seems statistically unlikely that there's someone right for you, that you could meet at the right time and say the right things and end up falling for one another.  If you've read/seen Watchmen you can think about it like Dr. Manhattan's speech about gold and Laurie.  But years into a marriage I think usually some of that wonder has rubbed off and while two people may love each other they tend to take each other for granted sometimes. 

I'm not against marriage, but I think I take it a lot more seriously than a lot of people do, especially other nonreligious people.  But, like most people going into a new job or a new year, having their first baby, or entering their first marriage, I think I get a little too hung up on the beginning of things.  A lot of women become bridzillas, freaking out about cake decorations, music, you name it.  I'm not quite on that level, but I'm not even close to getting married and I'm already hung up on the symbolism. 

The way I see it proposals work like this:

We're a happy couple.

I'm a girl and I really hope he wants to marry me so I'm either not mentioning it at all or I'm nagging him about it publicly. 

I'm a guy and I've chosen a ring, a place, and I wrote a speech.  I even went and talked to her parents because I want them to know I respect them. "Here girlfriend.  I bought you this really expensive present.  I hope you like it because you're going to wear it for the rest of your life and show it off to friends.  It's a status symbol for you, a sign of my wealth for both of us, and it will mark you as mine until we tie the knot."

"Thanks boyfriend.  I'll wear this and point it out to everyone.  I will also single handedly plan the wedding since you're pretty much the perfect man and I've been waiting for the perfect man since I was 4 and I planned my dream wedding.  It will be a perfect mash up of what appealed to me in 1991 and also what bridal magazines tell me is hip and modern.  It will work well because in 20 years when we look back a combination of modern styles and childish 90's dreams will seem classic."

That all seems wrong to me. 

I think couples should talk about marriage on more than on occasion before getting engaged.  They should both feel comfortable with it.  I'm not opposed to the whole speech thing, but mostly because if I'm not too busy crying I'd like to respond with some sort of declaration of affection/intention.  The guy can bring up the subject though but mostly because me being me, I bet no matter what sort of guy I marry I'll have initiated lots of the other important relationship steps.  Maybe for other people it should be the woman doing it.

I also think the ring thing doesn't work.  I like the idea of a trial run for a marriage, testing out a new level of commitment before saying vows, but I think both members of the relationship should have to wear engagement rings.  Maybe the rings are claddagh rings and can be passed down to the kids some day.  Maybe they are the wedding bands but before the ceremony they can be engraved or added to in some way; I don't know.  Then the giving of rings says: "let's try out this partnership; being visibly committed to one another, and having agreed that it will be for life, forsaking all others."

And if you're not living together before that point, I think engagement is a fine time to move in with one another.  Maybe wait a few weeks or months to settle into the new level of commitment before adding more to it, but if engagement is a trial run for marriage then you better make sure you can handle living together.  Maybe even borrow a puppy or offer to babysit while some friends go out of town if you're planning on having kids together.*

Then there's the actually ceremony.  How come the bride is given away and the groom isn't?  I don't think I want to be given away.  I give myself.  I am not an event planner so maybe none of this would work, but it makes more sense to me for the bride to walk in from one side preceded by all the women in the couple's life, and the man to walk in at the same time preceded by all the men in the couple's life.  They can meet at the center.  I also sort of feel like there shouldn't be an officiator.  Like maybe a couple should decide for themselves what they do and don't promise without prompting.  Or maybe each member of the wedding party should take turns officiating throughout the ceremony and can end it in chorus, showing their backing and support for the couple. 

Either way, I don't see a reason to have the reception separate from the ceremony.  It seems easier to decorate one room and get everyone in it.  If everyone needs to be rearranged for the tables to get shifted from ceremony focus to food and dancing focus then that seems like a good time for a receiving line which could take place at the front of the room or something. 
*If you get to this point and haven't discussed if you want to have kids, that isn't a very good sign.

No comments:

Post a Comment