Tuesday, August 9, 2016

How to be Happy

This year I've been studying happiness.

Last year I started out the year deeply unhappy. I spent the year making changes that I felt would lead to a happier life. I changed my diet. I selected better ways to spend my free time. I broke up with my then-boyfriend and met the love of my life. I was much much happier at the end of last year than I was at the beginning. Mission accomplished.

This year I started off doing more of the same. I found new changes I could make to my life. I hoped these would lead to even greater happiness. To some extent these continued improvements have worked, but I've found that I'm not as happy as I was in the latter half of last year. And so, I decided that one of the things I could do to improve my life this year is to study happiness. So far I've read four books on the subject:

Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting FulfillmentMartin E. P. Seligman

The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for LivingDalai Lama, Howard C Cutler


Stumbling on HappinessDaniel Gilbert


The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at WorkShawn Achor

Here's what I've learned:

1. You probably need people. Depending on who you are you may need close family, a wide circle of friends, or a close connection with your romantic partner. What kind of relationships and how many you need is going to vary greatly depending on what works for you. But in any case, you need the kind of people you can spill your guts to and who feel they can spill their guts to you when needed. You need to maintain your connection to these people. Having them will make you happier and help you live longer.

2. Maximize the experiences. Doing stuff is fun. It's the best use of your money; it's the most bang for your buck. It makes you happier and helps you live a richer life. It gives you fun stuff to look forward to and fun stuff to look back on. If you're really lucky, it's fun in the moment too. Experiences can be as simple as a walk in the park or board games with friends. It can be as complex as skydiving in a foreign country. It's all good.

3. It's all about your mind set. Be grateful, Make little lists of goals. Make little lists of how you've helped others today. rephrase things as what you want to do instead of what you need to do. 

4. Help other people. Volunteer somewhere. Be nicer to people in your every day life. Stop focusing so much on how you're feeling and if you're accomplishing goals and instead focus on other people and other things. 

5. Figure out what you love and then do that. Here's a survey to help you figure out what kinds of things that might entail: https://www.viacharacter.org/www/ 

6. Trust other people's opinions.  Yes, we all think we're unique snowflakes, but mostly you'rte going to be terrible at predicting what will make you happy and remembering what made you happy. But what is going to predict if you'll like something is whether or not it makes other people happy. Everything in life can be treated like picking a restaurant based on Yelp reviews. Find someone in the thick of it and ask them what they think. Chances are it will be what you think when you're in it too. 


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Babies Everywhere

EVERYONE IS HAVING BABIES. Or if they aren't having babies, they're buying fabulous houses and getting married. My Facebook news feed is littered with bridal showers, baby showers, and home improvement before/after snapshots. Girls I've met through friends, past and present coworkers, college friends, and high/grade school acquaintances: domesticity overload. Recently I reconnected with my little sister's friend from grade school. Tony was my best friend AJ's little brother. He and my sister were both the same age (about four-ish years behind me). Tony had a giant crush on my little sister. He bought her  the Princess Dianna beanie baby. For those of you who don't know, that's pretty much the equivalent of a diamond bracelet in 90's child world. He had a pet frog. He had a water bed his parents had handed down to him when the charm wore off. He had a bowl cut.  Little Tony? Married. Complete with newborn cutsie baby.

Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not into my little sister's crush. I wasn't then and I'm certainly not now. My point here is to underscore that EVERYONE is settling down. It's not just my older friends or people who are the same age as me, it's the little ones too.

And I'm over here super proud that my tomato plant is blooming. Is my tomato plant my child? No. I'm not crazy. But I am devoid of small things upon which to shower my love. See, I'm not a pet  person. I'm a big believer in not eating, wearing, or cohabiting with animals. I have a boyfriend but because of the vast geographic gap between his job and mine, we have yet to live together. And I love kids but when I envision parenting I see myself at a point with more free time, more income, and a larger home. I'll get there one day and hopefully the boyfriend will be a husband and he'll be pumped about the kid thing then too. But until then I guess we're pouring love into the foliage. So I'm growing tomatoes. And herbs. And a whole host of other plants.

In the mean time I am leaning in. I'm reading all sorts of books. I've convinced my boss to hire someone who will sort of kind of work under me. And I've pretty much taken over the day to day operations of 6 people with two more under them as well as super hands on role managing two others. And soon enough I'll be studying for a certification. Yay!

But I'm leaning into my personal life too. I have the boyfriend, right? And I think I'm doing a pretty good job pouring out the love and holding back the crazy. And I'm trying to be a good little financial worker bee so that some day I can afford the house and the kids and whatnot.

But it's hard not to feel like I'm falling behind when everyone is having babies.